Ask Lisa          Relationship & Sex Advice With hundreds of eMails coming in every day and while I answer many, it is not possible for me to reply to all of them. However, I wanted to provide a section where we take some of our readers questions and post them on our web site so that we can provide answers that everyone can benefit from having the information available on our web site. To submit your question such as those shown below eMail us for consideration of publishing it in our next newsletter.

Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O. HolisticWisdom.com Founder

Hi Lisa,

I wanted to know if it is normal to fantasize about movie stars while you are married and if it is considered a form of cheating.

Sarah

Hi Sarah,

No, I don't see fantasizing as a form of cheating. Creating a fantasy is normal and can be a nice way to explore variation when masturbating when you are in a monogamous relationship.

The issue here is more about what is comfortable for you and your partner Many people have different levels of jealousy so what is comfortable in one relationship may not be in another.

For example, my husband and I have agreed that we will not entertain fantasies about people that we actually know in real life because we both feel that for us it tends to make someone seem better than they really are, and there is that potential of projecting emotion into that fantasy and thus the risk of feeling like you are falling in love with that person based on your fantasies. This may seem overly conservative to other couples who have a more open relationship, but it is what my husband I are comfortable with and therefore is what feels right for us.

Meanwhile, we have fun sharing fantasies with one another about movie stars we have never met and what we would do with them if we had them in our bed as a way to arouse one another during fun, sex talk with one another. One time we talked about having Selma Hayek in bed with us for a threesome as a mutual fantasy and it was really wild!

The key here is to check in with what feels comfortable for you and your partner. Perhaps you agree that having fantasies about other people no matter who they are is fine, and maybe you agree to share them or keep them to yourselves. It is not an issue of whether it is healthy... because sexual fantasies can be a healthy part of one's sexuality. I think the real issue is whether it feels right for you and the level of importance you place on it.

Communicate with you partner about what feels right in the relationship and get it out there, you may be surprised to find that you both feel the same about it and be able to enjoy yourself without feeling guilt. If you find that you and your partner don't agree, then I suggest communicating about ways to reach a compromise so that both of you feel your needs are understood by one another and are being nurtured.

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