Sex Jokes For Free

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet. He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t s - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active. The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital. "Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."

The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock. The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?" The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?" The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster." To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." "What a wonderful answer," the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I think it is your legs." "Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming. If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." The nun fainted.

In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the U.S. published the study, Sweden decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

A little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asks the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Lula Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you." The Dad says, "Bring Lula Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside to disguise the scent, and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep LulaBelle on the leash and only go once around the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Lulabelle? The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ... He mated 50 times last year?... that's almost once a week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more surgeries he will likely be okay.

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't," she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing! "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just picturing how condoms are made!"

Brokeback Bar
Sex Joke

A heterosexual man walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "Why not," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the man, "What's the name of your willy?"

The man says, "Look, I'm not gay. All I want is a drink. "The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'

"The man looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty man asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies,"Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'" Amused, the man turns to the two fella's on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!

Even more thirsty, the man has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the man a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The man says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!

Please Note- Holistic Wisdom, Inc. does not intend this joke to be offensive to gays or lesbians as we are embrace all people regardless of sexual orientation. We believe the world is a better place because we are diverse and bring our own unique energy to the universe to create an eclectic, beautiful whole.

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered. Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" My patient replied "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener."

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's --Dress, and began to try to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, " into the closet," and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children were.

The first mother told her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."

The second Catholic woman chirped, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman said smugly. "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence. The first three women gave her a subtle "Well....?" She replied, "My son is a handsome, 6' 5" hard-bodied Chippendale stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says, "My God."

He's Stuck!
Sex Joke

A guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says OK and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn�t because she didn�t have any clothes on. He replies, �Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!� She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I�m sorry, I think he's too far in."

Oh My!
Sex Joke

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Thanksgiving Tradition...
Sex Joke

Turkey is the traditional main course on Thanksgiving, but do you realize when the Pilgrims first landed if they had shot a wildcat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving!

Ten Reasons Thanksgiving Dinner is Better than Sex
Sex Joke

10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.
9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.
8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.
7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.
6. Two kinds of desert, with or without whipped cream.
5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.
4. Thanksgiving dinner is a "sure" thing.
3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!
2. You're expected to fall asleep after dinner.
1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.

Final Answer?
Sex Joke

A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?

She said, "Yes." ...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

Sperm Count
Sex Joke

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Condoms For Cigarettes
Sex Joke

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain. The second lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?" "It's a condom," The first lady replies. "Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks. "Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies." The first lady replies. So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. "Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the pharmacist. "Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?" So the lady says, "Well it's got to fit a Camel."

Sex On The Net
Sex Joke

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers:

"Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

Lookin' Good!
Sex Joke

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hit the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick. So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

Thoughtful Christmas Gifts
Sex Joke

A man is looking for a Christmas gift for his wife, and after walking through the mall for hours he gives up and goes to the bar. He sees a friend of his sitting at the bar. He goes over to him and says, " I will buy you a drink if you can give me some ideas about what to buy my wife for Christmas." His friend replies, "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a vibrator." He looks at his friend all confused and asks why. His friend explains that if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

The Genital Massage
Sex Joke

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell"

Father Of My Kid
Sex Joke

I noticed that there was a blonde in line at another check-out. Our eyes met, she raised her hand to wave, and smiled. I was rather taken aback, although she looked familiar. I just couldn't place where I might know her from. As luck would have it, I saw her a few minutes later in the parking lot as she was unloading her groceries, so I approached and said "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies,"I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my kids." I panicked, but my mind shot back to my one and only sexual indiscretion. "Holy crap," I yelled, too loudly, "Are you that stripper from my friend John's bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your girlfriend stuck a cucumber up her ass?" "No! I'm your child's English teacher."

Sex Guide For Dummies
Sex Joke

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.

2. There is no need for dice in role playing.

3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.

4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.

5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.

6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.

7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.

8. EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals
of a man.

9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.

10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.

Caught With His Best Friend!
Sex Joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"

"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."

"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?"

"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!!!!"

Caught In The Act
Sex Joke

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who punished us just for sucking our thumbs."

Preparing For A Cruise
Sex Joke

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms.

Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore.

He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

Star Wars Sexy Quotes
Sex Joke

'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'

'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'

'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'

'You've got something jammed in here real good.' '

Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'

'Look at the size of that thing!'

'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'

'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'

'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'

'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'

'Control, control! You must learn control!'

'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'

'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'

'I never knew I had it in me.'

'There is good in him, I've felt it.'

'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'

'Back door, huh? Good idea!'

'She's gonna blow!'

'Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'

The Free Beer
Sex Joke

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of Pepper Tequila. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta give her one.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to do all that.

As time goes on, the man drinks a few too many and finally concedes... "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of Pepper Tequila with both hands, downs it with a big slurp as tears stream down his face. Next he staggers out back to the alligator and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped with big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

You Know You Are Getting Old When...
Sex Joke

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!" And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!" And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

Watch What You Say
Sex Joke

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the third house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Shooting Fully Loaded
Sex Joke

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot in the stomach twice. She was rushed to the hospital where she was treated and told that she is pregnant with twins and while her children are fine, the bullets were lodged in each of the babies stomachs. The doctor said- "Don't worry, the bullet will pass through their system through normal metabolism."

As time goes on the woman has her twins, a girl and a boy who are healthy and grow up unaware of the bullets. Twelve years later, the girl comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!" The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know?" The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" "No, I was masturbating and I accidentally shot the dog."

Ways To Tell A Man His Zipper Is Down
Sex Joke

1. "The cucumber has left the salad."
2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."
3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."
4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."
5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"
6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod."
7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."
8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."
9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"
10. "Men are From Mars, Women can see Your Penis."

Laid Off
Sex Joke

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work.

After a while Sarah gets a terrible headache and goes to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

Punny
Sex Joke

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

Why Aren't You Married?
Sex Joke

For those of you that are single and are tired of being asked this question, here are some comical relief comebacks...

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My Darling...
Sex Joke

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. �Becky my darling,� he whispered. �Hush my love,� she said. �Rest, don�t talk.� He was insistent. �Becky,� he said in his tired voice, �I have something that I must confess.�

�There�s nothing to confess,� replied the weeping Becky, everything�s all right, go to sleep.� �No, no I must die in peace, Becky I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!�

�I know, my sweet one� whispered Becky, �let the poison work.�

Sticking It Out
Sex Joke

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate only to find the little boy sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out 'til noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Who Wears The Pants
Sex Joke

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until you change your ridiculous attitude Mr.!"

Sign Language
Sex Joke

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".

The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, "What the heck is wrong with you! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!" The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming."

Top Ten Slogans Being Considered by Viagra
Sex Joke

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "One-a-day, like iron"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Here's the beef!"

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. Just do her.

Some honorable mentions:

"We work harder, so you don't have to"
"Ten inches long... and growing."
"Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight"
"Viagra, home of the whopper"
"Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver"
"This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"

Kid's Humor
Sex Joke

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8

Soft & Hard
Sex Joke

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

A mother and her young son are flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turns to his mother and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother couldn't think of an answer, so tells her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess the same question. " The stewardess responds, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a bloody vibrator."

I need to whip it out by 5.
Just stick it in my box.
If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!
HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
It's an entry-level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman fainted.....

A gynecologist decides that he'd had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test. The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible. "200 points out of 100 points possible?" he asks himself. "How can that be?"

So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: "You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the muffler."

One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters." So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need." A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?" Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12-pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle."

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The "Sarge" shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing with you.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight. The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes.