Sex Jokes At Holistic Wisdom, Inc.

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. I'm coming with you, I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"

One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What the was that!?!" Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "what is your occupation?" "I'm a whore," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year." "Chicken farmer it is".

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful princess daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took the challenge. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas,once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

What was in the prince's pants? M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?" The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one." Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks!

She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara, amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'." "Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."

This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night.

In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired. She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning.

A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.

She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"He replied, "That's OK It was a small load... I did it by hand."

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time." "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times."

A RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."

First, I want 1 billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright, red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Joe wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she said she already had a boyfriend. One day he got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl said, "NO." Joe then said: "I'll be fast -- I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. The boyfriend said: "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepted the proposal.

A half an hour went by. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened? She said: "The bastard used quarters!"

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

A father was eager to marry off his daughter so he wanted tried impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asked. "Huh?!" replied the surprised young man. "My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw;" carefully explained the father. Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father good-bye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Damn it, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up."

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me." "I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

~ Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
~ Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
~ Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
~ Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
~ Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
~ Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
~ Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
~ Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," says the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. "Hey coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi.

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent. To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a marine." The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"

Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires.
Position is your choice.
It works "while" the sports games are on.
It always is erect..
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear uncomfortable lingerie to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.
You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!
They don't get tired after the first time.
They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
They never drink too much and embarrass you.
You don't have to reassure the vibrator it's the best you ever had!
Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate.
Safe sex without a rubber.
Vibrators don't ask who your Daddy is.
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
It has no problem finding the "g spot."
You know exactly where its been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.

"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day with the specimen cup empty and the lid still on it.

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand... nothing. My wife tried with her right and left hand and even her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing.

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they we're priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you saw them.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." "Yes, Father?", she said. "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" "Father, it's me, Sister Margaret.

One morning while on vacation at their lake house a husband returns after several hours of fishing & decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and begins reading a book.

After a short while a game warden pulls his boat up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Do you know you are in a Restricted Fishing Area?" he asks. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up."

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet. He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t s - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active. The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital. "Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."

The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock. The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?" The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?" The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster." To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." "What a wonderful answer," the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I think it is your legs." "Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming. If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." The nun fainted.

In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the U.S. published the study, Sweden decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

A little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asks the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Lula Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you." The Dad says, "Bring Lula Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside to disguise the scent, and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep LulaBelle on the leash and only go once around the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Lulabelle? The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ... He mated 50 times last year?... that's almost once a week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more surgeries he will likely be okay.

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't," she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing! "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just picturing how condoms are made!"

Brokeback Bar
Sex Joke

A heterosexual man walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "Why not," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the man, "What's the name of your willy?"

The man says, "Look, I'm not gay. All I want is a drink. "The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'

"The man looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty man asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies,"Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'" Amused, the man turns to the two fella's on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!

Even more thirsty, the man has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the man a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The man says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!

Please Note- Holistic Wisdom, Inc. does not intend this joke to be offensive to gays or lesbians as we are embrace all people regardless of sexual orientation. We believe the world is a better place because we are diverse and bring our own unique energy to the universe to create an eclectic, beautiful whole.

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered. Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" My patient replied "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener."

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's --Dress, and began to try to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, " into the closet," and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children were.

The first mother told her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."

The second Catholic woman chirped, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman said smugly. "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence. The first three women gave her a subtle "Well....?" She replied, "My son is a handsome, 6' 5" hard-bodied Chippendale stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says, "My God."

He's Stuck!
Sex Joke

A guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says OK and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn�t because she didn�t have any clothes on. He replies, �Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!� She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I�m sorry, I think he's too far in."

Oh My!
Sex Joke

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Thanksgiving Tradition...
Sex Joke

Turkey is the traditional main course on Thanksgiving, but do you realize when the Pilgrims first landed if they had shot a wildcat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving!

Ten Reasons Thanksgiving Dinner is Better than Sex
Sex Joke

10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.
9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.
8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.
7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.
6. Two kinds of desert, with or without whipped cream.
5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.
4. Thanksgiving dinner is a "sure" thing.
3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!
2. You're expected to fall asleep after dinner.
1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.

Final Answer?
Sex Joke

A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?

She said, "Yes." ...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

Sperm Count
Sex Joke

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Condoms For Cigarettes
Sex Joke

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain. The second lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?" "It's a condom," The first lady replies. "Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks. "Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies." The first lady replies. So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. "Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the pharmacist. "Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?" So the lady says, "Well it's got to fit a Camel."

Sex On The Net
Sex Joke

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers:

"Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

Lookin' Good!
Sex Joke

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hit the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick. So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

Thoughtful Christmas Gifts
Sex Joke

A man is looking for a Christmas gift for his wife, and after walking through the mall for hours he gives up and goes to the bar. He sees a friend of his sitting at the bar. He goes over to him and says, " I will buy you a drink if you can give me some ideas about what to buy my wife for Christmas." His friend replies, "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a vibrator." He looks at his friend all confused and asks why. His friend explains that if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

The Genital Massage
Sex Joke

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell"