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Long Term Romance
Keeping Intimacy Going

One of the most common topics that people write in asking about is how to keep things intimate within a long term relationship. There are of course many issues that can impact a relationship but the most important tool is communication in and out of the bedroom.

So many people simply don't talk to one another. I know there are a lot of you out there that feel worried about what your partner may think of your true thoughts and feelings. I also know how hard it is to be vulnerable in any relationship whether you are married or just dating.

Lisa Lawless
By Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist & Sexuality Expert

CEO & Founder of
Holistic Wisdom, Inc. & NAASAS

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Yet, if you live in fear, deny who you really are to your partner, then you are never going to know if they really love you for all that you are. You are most likely going to have challenges that arise because of the fact that you are holding back and you are not going to experience what true intimacy is until you make the commitment to have it by being honest.

How To Say It

Sometimes, the most simple of things is neglected due to distraction, avoidance or just plain laziness. In order to get the most of your sex life you have to communicate what you desire and you can do it in a way that makes your partner feel appreciated. Starting off the conversation with "I love when you..." or "I would love to have you..." is a wonderful way to start such a conversation as it presents a loving invitation to get started.

What Seduces Your Senses?

What makes you feel relaxed, seductive, and romantic? Do you love the smell of scented candles? Do you feel relaxed and sensual in bubble baths? Do you enjoy certain musical selections? Do you love wearing or looking at lingerie? Think about what it is that you enjoy and take the time to talk with your partner about it. Ask them to share the same information with you. Honestly, how can you effectively seduce your partner if you don't know what makes them feel seductive or put in the effort to do it? How can your partner seduce you if you have not taken the time to figure out what you enjoy? Exploring this through discussions is a very basic thing that you can do to create atmospheres for one another that will encourage intimacy.

Outside The Bedroom

Here are some things that can help keep things going smoothly outside the bedroom to make your relationship go the distance while promoting intimacy in the bedroom-

  • Create agreements before hand about how you want things in your life to be handled to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.

  • Pick your arguments carefully. Ask yourself before a fight begins how important the issue is to you and if it is worth having potential conflict over.If you do proceed say things in a repectful manner such as, "There is something that is upsetting me and I want your help to address it?" By doing this you are taking a team approach to problems.

  • When you are upset about something that you think happened, but are not certain, make sure to ask neutral questions such as, "Can you tell me what happened?"

  • Express your needs with respect. Don't walk in and tell someone to "Stop playing video games, etc." Rather, invite them to do something with you by saying, "Hey, I miss you, do you want to...?"

  • When you screw up and need to apologize, do so sincerely and not only acknowledge what you did wrong but also let them know that you are sorry if you hurt them as that is not something that you ever want to do.

  • Do small, loving gestures for one another daily. Something as simple as doing the dishes or rubbing their feet for ten minutes can really make a world of difference to your lover by simply letting them know through your behavior that you care about them. Let them know every day how you feel about them through a small acknowledgment of your feelings and through your behavior.


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