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Am I Normal?

Most people want to know if their sexual desires, fantasies, responses and bodies are within the norm. People want to feel that they are somehow not some freak of nature for wanting the things they do or having sex in the way they do. The truth is that there is no such thing as normal.

Lisa Lawless
By Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist & Sexuality Expert

CEO & Founder of
Holistic Wisdom, Inc. & NAASAS

Copyright: Holistic Wisdom- Do NOT Copy Warning

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When Alfred Kinsey did his studies on human sexuality, he found that after all of the thousands of sex histories he had taken from people that everyone is different. We have this false perception that most people can fall into a general category of what the majority of people are doing or the way that they look.

We should stop asking the question of whether or not we are normal and start asking ourselves if the behaviors we exhibit sexually serve us. Do they make us feel good physically? Do they empower us? After all, the real issue that may need attention is embracing your inner most desires.

The only time there really should be concern is when we are doing something that causes harm to ourselves or others. Celebrating our unique approach to sex and life is one of the great parts of being human.

How Often Do Most People Have Sex?

While research has shown that most married couples have sex once or twice a week that does not mean it should be the norm for you. Studies have also shown that issues such as travel, illness, pregnancy and stress can interfere with the number of times that couples have sex.

The real question is how often would you like to be having sex? Then working with your significant other achieve your mutual goals. If they differ from you, communicate in a loving and respect manner with one another to see if you can compromise.

How Do I Tell My Partner What I Want Sexually?

The first step is checking to see if your partner is psychic or a mind reader. If they are not, then you really should let them know! The best way to do it is to word everything in a proactive manner. Being positive will make all the difference in the world.

For example:

"Honey, I love that you give me oral sex, it is something I really enjoy. I was looking at this article the other day about sex techniques and I would really like us to try something when we do it again."

"You know sweetie, I love hearing your voice, it just turns me on so much. I think if you talked dirty to me during sex, it would make me go even more wild."

Why Have I Lost My Sex Drive?

A low sex drive can be caused from a variety of things from health issues, prescription medicine, stress levels.

  • The first thing to do it to visit your doctor to rule out physical issues and tell them about it. Your doctor will need to know this in order to determine what may be causing it if it is physical.

  • Make sure that you're getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating healthy as these things do impact sex drive as well.

  • Then look at your stress levels: If your responsibilities are overwhelming you, ask for help wherever you can. There is no need to take on everything yourself.

  • If you have financial stressors, contact a financial advisor at your bank for help or schedule a family meeting to talk about ways you can budget.

  • You can also illicit the help of a therapist or clergy person for advice to help reduce your stress levels.

  • Take time out for yourself and your lover. Do something small that will help you connect with your sensual side. A sexy bubble bath, a massage even a date for a romantic dinner. It may sound trite but it is through our every day behavior that we are inspired for celebrating our sexuality.

My Partner Was Unfaithful How Do I Move On?

If you have decided to stay in your relationship, you may be relieved to know that it is possible to repair a relationship after an affair. Here are some tips-

  • Your partner must cease all communication with the person that they have had the affair with so that there is a solid break.

  • Your partner must be completely honest about the affair, although it is not advised to share sexual details as this may do more damage than good.

  • It is also a good idea to get a therapist so that they can help you to move on but also address issues that may have contributed to the affair in the first place.

  • Your partner should allow you time to vent and not judge you for your pain. The more they can validate your feelings, the easier it will be for you to feel understood and supported. You may want to limit the amount of time you allow yourself to vent your pain, however, as harping on the person constantly will not contribute to healing. Allowing for 10-15 minutes every day once you decide to move forward is a good place to start. It will allow you to express your feelings about where you are emotionally while not bombarding them with guilt.

How Do I Tell My Partner My Sexual Fantasies?

One of the best times to share fantasies is when the two of you can just talk such as just before bed. Don't wait until you are having sex to share... rather, when the two of you take a walk or have dinner. This will give you time to plan and will even motivate you to get back in the bedroom.

When you share your fantasies, be sure to tell your partner how they can be a part of it. For example, if you had a fantasy of Star Wars when you were younger, you could suggest that perhaps you could dress of as Leah and they could dress up a Han Solo or vice versa. You can also make it vague such as the Boss & the Secretary or the House Wife & the Repair Guy. Having time where you both get creative can make for a youthful fervor on the bedroom.

How Do We Make Time For Sex?

The truth is we all know how to make time for sex, the real question is how do I make sex a priority to me again? We tend to forget that when we neglect ourselves through our health, including our sexual health other things start to do poorly. Our emotional state, health, relationship, etc. We must see sex as a priority to see it as something worth taking time for in order to truly answer this question. The bottom line is that if you are really busy, but there is something that you value and feel is very important in your life then you will find a way to make time for it and sex is no different. Simply make it a priority.

How Do We Get Out Of A Sexual Rut?

As hard a question as this may seem, the answer is simple. Start flirting with one another again. When you find yourself not excited for one another, the best way out is to start courting one another without sex. Say something sexy to your partner without trying to get them to have sex with you. For example, if you are at the grocery store and walking down an aisle with your partner, slide your hand down their ass and whisper to them how much you love it. Little things like that go a long way. It comes down to priorities as do all things. If you want to get some excitement back in your sex life, make the effort to do creative things, even if it is to be playful with one another. Have a tickle fight, play with their hair, hold their hand... it is truly the little things that count. Build emotional playfulness and passion and the sex will come.

Is Prostate Massage Good For Men?

Yes, it is pleasurable, it reduces the chance of prostate cancer and it does not in anyway signify homosexual tendencies. Rather, all men are designed to enjoy it as the prostate is simply the male version of the gspot. Read more about prostate massage.

How Do We Start Using Sex Toys In The Bedroom?

If you have never used a sex toy with your partner, it can feel quite intimidating and strange. For those who are beginners, we highly recommend getting a wand massager as they can be used for general massage and also as a sex toy. Start off with a relaxing massage and move into sex play as a way to make it less intimidating.

Make sure to communicate with one another about what you like and don't like and try using the sex toy in different positions. For example, a woman can just as easily have the vibrator stimulating her clitoris while her partner penetrates her vaginally to stimulate her gspot. This can be achieved easily through the missionary position, doggie style and other sex positions.

The second type of sex toy that we recommend are vibrating rings, which can be used on a dildo or penis. These can provide double and even triple stimulation opportunities during sexual intercourse and can be used by themselves for penis, clitoral and nipple stimulation. They are another great and inexpensive way to try out a sex toy in the bedroom.


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