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Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Sex
Sexually Confident & Empowered

When most people think of society today, they typically consider that we are more open about healthy sexuality than ever before. I disagree.

Extreme Superficial Sexuality

While we are more daring with nudity, and bold through sexual display; it is a superficial type of sexuality. It is more often than not coming from a place of ego, insecurity and rebellion when it is displayed.

Lisa Lawless
By Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist & Sexuality Expert

CEO & Founder of
Holistic Wisdom, Inc. & NAASAS

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Often through reality shows, music videos, commercials, movies and even the news you see extremely superficial aspects of sexuality. Women as well as men are sex objects. Women in particular have long been shown this way, and while I am not against nudity, or displays of sexuality, I am not impressed with women running around dressing like hookers, waving their asses in the faces of anyone who will look and then in turn calling any other women who does this a whore.

There is a big difference between a woman who is confident in herself, who dresses sensually and a woman who is insecure and is desperately trying to get the attention of any one who will notice her. This kind of approach to sexuality sends the message that sex is all about having power and control over others. It is fear based, it is from insecurity, it is not beautiful to those who know the difference.

People who see the world in black and white make the mistake of thinking that sexuality can be viewed in two ways... cheap and superficial or uptight and conservative. This is a dangerous way to view the world and can lead to all sorts of problems.

Women in a Sexually Superficial Society

For women it often sets the stage for her to feel that in order to compete for attention she must dress and act in a manner that focuses completely on her appearance. Wearing revealing clothes to bragging about sexual prowess are ways this is accomplished. A big trend now is for young girls to claim they are bisexual, even if they are not, to seem sexually edgy in order to attract men.

When you see women making extremely overt sexual behaviors, the message that can be interpreted is that they are a piece of meat to be screwed, and discarded. I am not saying that you can't be sexually overt because sometimes that is fun and done from a place of confidence and playfulness... what I am saying is to look at WHY one is doing it.

We need to move forward where we experience sexuality from a place of confidence, not insecurity. Where we express our sensual natures from a more empowered place within us. We are more than our behinds, breasts and vaginas.

Showing our sexuality in a way that commands respect while honoring our integrity is a much more powerful thing to do anyway. We can exhibit our sensual beauty through our speech, dress and body language in an empowered way and make that the norm, rather than focusing only on our skin.

Whether you are into one night stands, open or monogamous relationships... you deserve respect from yourself and others. A woman who knows and believes this will ensure that she receives it by putting out signals to the world that she is a sexual goddess with a mind and soul.

Men in a Sexually Superficial Society

Men in our society are often encouraged (especially by peers) to seek out any kind of sexual activity no matter what woman it is with or the health risks involved. They are often encouraged to manipulate others to get sex and to talk about getting it. They are erroneously taught that they are valued for their performance, penis size, physique and ability to get laid.

Like women, they are taught to be ashamed of masturbation. Men are not made aware of prostate massage, the health benefits or pleasure due to fears of homosexuality. There is no emphasis on embracing their pleasure as a whole: pleasuring themselves beyond just their penis or how to develop healthy sexual self esteem with respect for their bodies or their sexual partner(s).

The Sexually Superficial Path

Both men and women are being groomed in these situations to see themselves and their worth as dictated by how they can appeal sexually. These superficial approaches to sexuality are often demeaning to our sense of self. When we send out messages that we are wanting to be seen for our surface sexuality than we will in turn attract people into our lives that are also preoccupied with all the baggage that comes along with it.

Conservative Repression

On the other side of the spectrum, you have ultra conservatives that are repulsed by many aspects of sexuality and who are more than ready to throw out what are healthy, educated and empowering forms of sexuality right along with the dysfunctional.

When this happens you find that people will repress their sexuality and see all kinds of problems. You will begin to see increased sexual abuse, rape, pedophila and a lot of hypocrisy.

An example of what happens when sexuality is repressed-

Years ago, Florida Representative Mark Foley had sent sexual harassing emails to minor, teenage males while he was the founder and CO-chair of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus and has played key roles in recent legislation to protect kids - including the Volunteers for Children Act, which gives organizations that work with youths access to FBI fingerprint checks to make sure they don't hire child molesters.

Most people are saying how contradicting... but I say how typical. People hate most in others what they hate in themselves. We must look closely at people who are in such positions. Often, those who take a moderate approach are not of concern; it is those who come down hard on issues in an ultra conservative manner that have the hidden issues. This is because deep down inside they are yelling loudly on the outside to either divert people's attention away from their true intentions and/or to push down what dysfunction is inside them.

We have all seen it in ministers, priests, politicians and activists who are overly obnoxious about sexuality. It is of no surprise when you find out they have been molesting children, raped someone or committed some other atrocity.

Coming Out of the Confusion

When you are surrounded with superficial sexuality mixed with damning conservative views about sexuality, it is no wonder why there are so many confused and dissatisfied people. I believe we are in need of a sexual revolution. The following are a few things that should occur in the future as we evolve and better understand healthy sexuality.

1) Embrace masturbation as a healthy part of our sexuality. Begin in the early years by teaching children that it is all right for them to do it in private and that there is no shame in being a sexual human being.
2) Dress and act in a manner that makes us feel good about ourselves and invokes our creativity and sensuality. Resist dressing and acting to gain power over others and instead in a way that empowers us.
3) Treat others as we know we should be treating ourselves. Show ourselves and others love, compassion and respect. Accept that diversity is a beautiful part of life; it is how we learn from one another and evolve.
4) Understand that people have different sexual orientations and that we should respect that not everyone should be married, have children, live monogamously or be heterosexual. We must understand that our view of the world is simply our perspective and what is comfortable for us, is not necessarily what is comfortable for others. With the exception of preventing physical, emotional or mental harm to others, we should not force a fixed agenda of sexual correctness on others.
5) We must better study pedophiles and provide counseling to prevent child abuse. We must become more aware of the alarming rate of sexual assault on children. The government needs to work with the adult industry not against them to help prevent child abuse. We must also teach our children about standing up for their sexual rights and the importance of them keeping people from violating them.
6) We should refrain from demeaning name calling of others when it comes to sexuality. Calling people sluts, whores, bitches, pimps, etc. encourages a superficial sexual environment and black and white thinking.
7) We must encourage people to explore their sexuality thorough masturbation, meditation, and sometimes counseling. Learning what pleases, nurtures and heals us first, will help us to communicate to our sexual partner(s) what we need mentally, emotionally and physically to be sexually fulfilled.
8) We need to have frank discussion about sexual health with teenagers. We need sex education on STD's, prevention and birth control. Using factual medical information will not cause harm to them. In fact, it can prevent harm. If moral concerns are present, then it is up to the parents to have discussions that encourage a child to do what is right for them based on facts, not fear tactics.
9) We should not be prohibited from exploring sexuality through sexual aids such as lubricants and sex toys. Being creative in the bedroom allows us to explore ourselves and our pleasure. It is a gift that we have been given at birth to enjoy our sexuality and living in a world where we fear our own sexuality denies us of a basic human right.
10) Consumers should be taught about sex toy and product health risks including information about toxic materials used in sex toys.
11) Sexual fetishes and BDSM should not be treated as an unhealthy behavior when it is done between consenting adults who are able to clearly and safely communicate.
12) Porn is acceptable if it follows the following criteria- It is between consenting adults with no restrictions on ethnicity number of people involved or sexual orientation and is created, distributed and packaged in a way that follows not only state and federal guidelines, but also with the intent that only adults will view it. It provides safety to its actors or actresses regarding VD and general safety and encourages viewers to do the same.
13) We need to live in a society that creates laws based on freedom of religion and from religion when it comes to our sex lives.


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